In my first Stepping Out post, I shared how my journey started intentionally, but also very unintentionally in early 2020. The intentional part was that I wanted to help others suffering from depression, anxiety, attempted suicide, and psychiatric medications. What I would like to share with you now is all of the unintended parts of my journey. This is hard because it involves being very vulnerable and transparent. I know with that comes judgement. I know this because so many times I have been of the one to cast the first stone of judgment.
Where does Judgment come from?
FEAR is one of the biggest places. At least it is for me. The same place of fear that we build “Our Story” around. I think so many times we fear what we don’t know and what we don’t understand. Fear can come from well ingrained belief systems from childhood. For me, this is where so much of my fear started that led to making unnecessary judgments on myself and others.
In stepping out of my story, I first had to look at what are MY BELIEFS that have not served me and are still not serving me by creating blocks in my career, my relationships, and my family? Then I had to trace backwards to where these beliefs might have come from.
For me it was a belief of I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
As I began to look at that belief, WOW, did it have some deep roots. I had watered that tree for at least 50 of my past 54 years. Not being good enough had roots in telling myself I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t successful enough, I wasn’t wealthy enough…. You name it!
Those roots had been watered, fertilized, manicured, and wonderfully supported.
As I began to peel back the layers of all the reasons this had been one of the biggest chapters in my story, I realized that was all it was, A Story. While it had actual events that created the story, the conclusion I had come to over and over again was a lie. I AM Good Enough. We are all good enough.
It was time for this chapter to be re-written. It was time for me to begin to really know and believe I am enough. So much easier said than done, right? How do I get the movie to stop playing over and over in my head saying the complete opposite?
The answer is it starts with LOVE. The saying Love Conquers All, is so true. I had to begin to look at the pain. In Psychedelic Coaching it is called Shadow Work. It meant pulling out the junk in the dark basement that I had pushed aside and not dealt with for a very very long time. No one wants to feel pain, that’s why we store those memories in the basement. But what happens is, if those events, experiences, memories aren’t dealt with, they become our traumas. Our traumas become unconscious blocks that affect us in every area of our life. I didn’t say “can” affect us. I am saying IT WILL affect you. It does affect you.
The definition of a trauma is anything that caused a negative reaction in your nervous system, that wasn’t dealt with. Trauma doesn’t have to be something physical. I used to think trauma meant assault, or child abuse. While these are awful things, a trauma can also be a time you felt fear, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, and you dropped it in the basement, turned off the light and closed the door.
One of my favorite books of 2021 is The Lion’s Tracker’s Guide to Life by Boyd Varty. Boyd says our traumas, once acknowledged and dealt with, become unique gifts we can share with others. How amazing is that! Think what can happen if I clean out my basement. I will have unique gifts to share.
Plant medicine has enabled me to begin to not only clean out my basement, but instead of fearing having to face the pain of those events and experiences, I am able to look through love. By using plant medicine to specifically open my heart space and turn down the voice in my head that says “you are not enough”, I was able to see the situation, and/or the person who had caused me the pain from a place of love, not judgment and resentment. As I began to examine one area after another, I no longer felt sad or heartbroken and left with asking WHY? The movie wasn’t playing louder of “this all happened because of you, because you aren’t enough” as it had so many times in the past. My heart was full and remains full. I can stand in my wholeness. I let go of resentment I had held on to for so long. Resentment that had created blocks in every area of my life, from having true connectedness in relationships, my career, and my family. As Boyd Varty teaches, I have some unique gifts I can share with others, like you who are reading this post right now.
Granted I haven’t uncovered all the that I have stuffed in my basement. There is still much more work to be done in cleaning up and clearing out my basement. However, instead of being frightened of what I am going to find and the pain that it might bring up, I am excited to do the work. I have felt the reward. I feel the peace and most of all the love. The Unconditional LOVE that we are all meant to have and to share with the world.
In realizing I AM Enough, I stepped out of an old story and belief system that had enveloped me for decades. It felt almost like a rebirth, a new birthdate. Nov 12, 2021 Happy Birthday to me!!
What happens next? Well, now is the experiment of Life! I get to ask the questions,
What can I bring to my life through this light?
What is it like to do me?
Thank you for letting me share this moment with you.
“As you work with your trauma,
it will render a gift you can pass on.”